Dear Guys,
100October 23, 2012 by Cole Ryan
(I wrote an eBook based off of this post called Dear Guys: A New Way To Date. It’s available now for just 99¢ wherever eBooks are sold).
I think I feel comfortable speaking so boldly on this topic because I’ve never been in a relationship myself, but I see a lot of problems with the way our culture views dating, so I’m just trying to correct, rebuke, and encourage (2 Timothy 4:2) with this post. It’s going to be all over the place.. but just let me make a few points;
1. Dating is only a gateway to marriage.
“Dating with no intent to marry is like going to the grocery store with no money, you either leave unhappy or take something that isn’t yours.” Jefferson Bethke
Guys are called to pursue a wife (Proverbs 18:22, 31:10), not a girlfriend. Dating is nothing more than a preemptive to marriage. Men that date with no intent to marry aren’t men – they’re boys. Don’t date a girl unless there’s a chance you might end up marrying her.
2. Don’t be led by your emotions at the expense of a girls emotions.
Having a crush on a girl is never a valid reason to date her. I think a lot of guys my age are in relationships for selfish reasons; because it feels good, it’s fun, or it’s what everyone else is doing. Since when is it okay to use a girl for our own personal gain or satisfaction? Relationships are designed to be outward (to serve the other), not inward (to benefit us). Have some self control and don’t be led by your feelings at the expense of a girls heart! I’m tired of seeing girls broken and damaged by guys who are dating them just because they want to have fun or fit in. Please don’t date a girl for selfish reasons, that’s using her for your benefit, and it’s wrong to mess with her like that. Guys that jump from girl to girl for their own satisfaction or pleasure are cowards, and they’re leaving behind a whole lot of baggage and pain for the next guy.
“Some men act like boys; they are irresponsible and apathetic. Some men act like women; they are emotionally driven crowd followers. Real men ignore what is “normal.” They set and maintain a God-honoring standard of purity and holiness. Real men are more concerned with their integrity than they are with their feelings.” Mattie Montgomery
3. It’s not about finding ‘the one’ – it’s about preparing yourself to be the one.
Please don’t date a girl just because you ‘like’ her or because she makes you feel good, date her because you’re ready to serve her (Ephesians 5:21-33) and honor her and marry her. Try not to even consider dating unless those are your motives. We must first prepare ourselves to treat women properly before we ever begin dating. As guys we’re called to get our lives together before we ever become a part of someone else’s. Don’t start dating until you’ve aligned yourself with God’s will for your life, it won’t end well otherwise.
4. Girls are the daughters of God (2 Corinthians 6:18).
We need to recognize that through marriage we are being entrusted with a daughter of the King, and we should treat her like one. Before marriage, however, we shouldn’t take what isn’t ours or touch what hasn’t been given to us. The gift of the physical (sex haha) comes only through marriage. If we don’t honor what the bible has to say about the way we should treat women we are not only disrespecting them, but we are disrespecting God as well.
I’m pleading with you, instead of spending all of your time looking for a girlfriend – spend some time becoming the man that can better serve your future wife, and the man that God designed you to be.
(I wrote an eBook based off of this post called Dear Guys: A New Way To Date. It’s available now for just 99¢ wherever eBooks are sold).
Great post. Number 3 is a huge deal that is often not even thought about. I once heard someone say, “Become the spouse you are hoping to marry.” In other words, don’t just look for someone, but become someone that they would want to be married to also.
Awesome post!!!!
Reblogged this on A Suburban City Girl in A Small Town.
What a wonderful post!! How old are you?! You look like a kid in your picture. Are you older now than when that was taken? If you really are that young then you have an “old soul”.
You should put a “Follow” Widget on the right side of your blog – at the top. I want to follow you but I don’t do Twitter/FaceBook etc.
I admire your post but have a problem with this quote: “Some men act like women; they are emotionally driven crowd followers.” It seems to be saying women are emotionally driven crowd followers. Please think about that one?
I was also taken aback by that, but its a great post overall :)
Cole- This is wonderful and I too want to know how old you are. I see you are from Philly and also interested in where you worship.
Cole, the idea of courtship was first introduced to me from a sister in Christ. For her children, she taught the concept to protect them from the emotional pain many partners can bring. Preparing for marriage is accurate. Choosing wisely would eliminate scars that may cripple you in areas for life. Dear Lord, Impress this conviction so deeply in Cole’s heart that he will not be deceived to stray from the hope you put in him. As he prepares, prepare for him a Godly wife of virtue that will please him in every area— a perfect mate in Your perfect will. thank you for the wisdom and convictions you Cole has received. Bless him Father and show favor on him in all he does. Amen- Luv in Christ Cole, Denise Cotter
From a young age I was taught dating is only in preparation for marriage. I am thankful for that Godly wisdom I received and for the grace God gave me to follow it. It saved me from a lot of heartache and I was able to walk into my marriage pure and without baggage. To GOD be the glory!
Reblogged this on Relevant Issues. Biblical Answers. and commented:
Excellent Post on dating for all of my single friends!
I really enjoyed your post. It’s really unfortunate that so many guys don’t believe that and they get into relationships for the wrong reasons. You should know if you are compatible with someone before you label your relationship truly as a relationship.
Cole, you totally get it. It took me a Bible degree and a couple of years of marriage to get this stuff. (Some of us take longer than others. Don’t tease.) There’s a great book called “Sacred Marriage” that you should read when you’re engaged or first married. It discusses the fact that God created marriage not to make us happy, but to make us holy.
May I speak as an old married man?
1.) My wife and I dated for 3&1/2 years before we became engaged. during that time we became the best of friends as God prepared us to be one.
2.) A long courtship that remains pure, helps both to learn about the other needs and how we fulfill them in marriage.
3.) Praying asking God to pick me a friend for life was the wisest prayer I have every made.
4.) My wife today loving reminds me when my voice gets a little rough, I am the daughter of The KING, and I am going to tell. That always makes me giggle and say I am so sorry, and say I LOVE YOU!
What he must be to marry my daughter by Dr. Voddie Baucham is a must read for anyone desiring more of what Cole has written. Great work Cole. I have 3 daughters and I will be looking for young men like you as I prepare my daughters for marriage. God Bless. Kevin
Lots of wisdom here.
Nice to know their are young men out there that love the Lord. I like #4 brothers I admonish you to treat women like your sister in Christ and Daughters of God. My husband did this for me and it changed my life. LOVE LOVE LOVE Esteem others higher than yourself, Opposite sex included
I really like #3! There is a shift of perspective that is so important, especially with those who are single and waiting. When we are waiting for “the one” it is so easy to forget to lean on God during that time..
Hi… this is the first post I’ve read on your blog, so hopefully, I won’t over step my bounds with my comment. First, I want to ask when you refer to mens “feelings”, are you talking about lust or real feelings? Also, it seems that you are directing your post towards men only. I’ve not checked if you have one directed towards women, but as a woman, I know that women are not immune to manipulation for their OWN agenda. I guess what I mean to say is that women (many women) are not victims but are the ones in a relationship, taking their men for granted and use them to their own advantage… just a thought.
I really liked the post, btw. Looking forward to reading more.
When dating important you both know what the other wants from the relationship.
Friendship and companionship are the things to have before dating so you find that special someone.
Always have a back up plan: “to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance”.
Positive post, however “Some men act like women; they are emotionally driven crowd followers.” –this person seems to be degrading women and socially classifying all women as women who can’t be their own. Perhaps re-think about sharing others work if they could blindly be degrading a population? Blessings to you!
Wise words!
I truly wish that all guys your age looked at girls with the same respectful opinion that you do. You will be an amazing catch for a lucky girl someday. Keep up the great job you are doing. The world needs to here more from you : )
Well said !
Reblogged this on What Say's Ms.Gamble Today? and commented:
A great blog I came across.
Wise advice :)
Love that you come from a place of faith and show respect for yourself and others.
A posting every guy needs to read.
It’s so refreshing to read your thoughts that are so pure and steeped with the wisdom that God always intended us to possess. I am a christian, born catholic and open to all christian wisdom but especially to the gentle voice of the holy spirit.
I find it hard to express my true voice, too christian for so many that before I can finish what I have to say they have usually turned away. In order for my message to get through I always have to edit my christian voice, focusing more on being the city on a hill instead of a voice form the roof top.
God bless and spread the truth!
Oh this is good stuff, I look forward to seeing more from you too.
AMEN!!!!!
absolutely *love* this post! Oh how my husband & I try to reach and mentor the young men in our community, not to mention the 5 boys we have been blessed with in our family. Definitely going to share this post; hope you don’t mind. ;^)
~Sheri
Oh.My.Gosh. Thank you so much for that link at the end. I’m pretty sure I’m going to blow that up and hang it on my wall. Wow. Also, I’m so glad that a guy is making points about the things us gals agonize over (i.e. princesses should be treated as such, men should prepare themselves to be husbands). Considered yourself robbed of countless ideas! :P
So well written and straight forward! What a wonderful thing to read and so refreshing!
Reblogged this on Ladylouwolf and commented:
What a wonderful blog! Worth the time!
Praise Yahweh! So good to hear a man who is not afraid to BE a MAN and stand up for what is right true. Yahweh bless and keep you safe.
I particularly like #3. If you love the Lord God more than anything in the world, and she loves the Lord God more than anything in the world, you will each be the best “you” with servant’s hearts for one another.
Enjoy your post – especially as the father of daughters! I look forward to reading more.
God bless you Cole! More people your age should have those same values and this would be a much better world to live in.
That “Jesus is the hope of the world” goes without saying, but I’m glad you said it anyway. That women are “emotionally driven crowd-followers” is not anymore true for women than it is for men. Sadly however, society has not given men permission to allow their feeling to come forth, but you do have feelings, no more or less than women. Yes, we are certainly different, but not in this way, except for the appearances that are permitted. I very much appreciate your being something of a radical and encouraging men to be more sensitive about the way they treat women, and for putting a better value on relationships than an individual’s hormones (male or female). Abuse of any kind, including insults, has become boring. You write a good (almost wrote God, there) post.
profound truths you shared here Ryan. should half of all guys take them to heart, we would have far fewer dysfunctional relationships and the heartbreaks that go with them.
Well spoken, Cole, or rather, well written :) Overall, I agree with each of your points. These are such good reminders. Awesome quote by Montgomery. Inspirational. I agree with point two but I”m curious, how do you define crush. Do you define a crush as infatuation or actually liking a girl? Also, here’s a thought/question I’ve been thinking about. Where’s the balance between allowing relationships with ladies to happen naturally (through friendship, group hangout, etc.) and initiating interaction?
I love how you support your points with scripture. Thanks for that :) Personally, I believe in absolute truth, but certain aspects of our lives are relative. I’ve realized that every romantic situation is different. Every story is different, but I think these are great guidelines overall. This is def a mentality that more guys need to have. Love this: “We need to recognize that through marriage we are being entrusted with a daughter of the King, and we must treat her like one.”
I think this article is excellent. Not only is this viewpoint, with regard to dating and marriage, rather scarce, even more so is celibacy. Some do not even consider celibacy to the glory of God an option. “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. but the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
Whatever we do, we do it to the glory of God.
A wonderful post, Cole, and great advice. I am proud to say that both of my sons are wonderful husbands and fathers. They respect women and I believe this what a lot of men are missing in relationships.
Cole, great! At nearly 57, with many years of ministry behind, hopes and dreams for my children and now grandchildren, I can just say, “great.” These are great truths expressed in a great way. Keep, keep, keeping on.
Reblogged this on The Light and the Sword and commented:
As a following to my blog yesterday, I’m blessed to have read this blog from Cole Ryan…this is for guys but it’s good to be refreshed with the truth of pursuing for that “man after God’s own heart”…may this be a reminder for my brothers, too…thanks, Cole Ryan! :)
Thanks so much for your blog. I’ve been blessed in reading this (even though I’m not a man :P). It reminded me as a woman that looking for a partner is not based on earthly feelings or temporary fantasies. Men after God’s own heart are refined after His own image.
I’d like to ask for your permission to reblog this in my site…I feel it’s like a sequel to my previous blog yesterday. Thank you!
God bless you, bro! And a Blessed New Year! :D
Man, I come from having multiple relationships with girls in the past where I have had no intent on marrying them, but once I grew in faith and also in my studies, I realized that I was doing the whole dating thing wrong. Now, I am happily treating my girlfriend as God’s treasure. Not only has it been steady, but we are happy together. God can do great things if you just trust in Him.
Reblogged this on Troubling Christian and commented:
Man, read what God led Cole to say right here guys. Listen up and start doing the right thing.
Hey Cole,
Enjoyed what you had to write. I don’t have a lot of time because I have to take my son to his work, so you might end up with part one and two or perhaps I will delete this and reply later. I notice you got a lot of postive feedback and that is good because what you had to say was good. I haven’t any major problems with any of it but want to add a few things that I believe are helpful for young Christians. There is also something said for relaxing a bit, dating someone because you simply enjoy each others company. At fiteen or sixteen it is unrealistic to expect every boy girl relationship to be formed with the specific intention of marriage. It is healthy and good. There is a big need for education specifically for young men as it seems that the predator mentality is pretty much a norm – but this isn’t what I am talking about.
This may sound wrong but try and listen – It is good to know all the stuff that you wrote about and it is good to remember you are a Christian – but you also need to be able to throw all that head knowledge out the window as well. Yes we are to do all the things you mention above but your heart needs to be free apart from the law – the do’s and don’ts. I’ve met quite a few mature Christian men who are passionate about living a Godly life and search the scriptures with this intent – however their wives don’t necessarily feel the love they have for them.
God has designed a “best” way for relationships, but I think in this world it rarely follows the perfect path – anyway son needs a lift – relax, love, learn to know the person you think you like. I will drop in to your blog again and see how your going. Sorry if I sounded patronizing or critical cheers
Hi
I hope you don’t mind but I was so impressed with this post, I shared its link with http://imdbwords.wordpress.com on the subject of relationships.
God bless.
Excellent!